Sunday, October 6, 2013

Even with the best of plans....


I am a planner.  Everything has to be at the right exact moment in my life. I have to expect it. I have to save for it. Everything has a time and place. I have to plan for every possible outcome of all variables.



At least I used to be that way.  I used to think there is a time for everything.  An exact right, planned, time for everything.  Oh what a fool I was!  



I have had this conversation 100 times….Each and every time I freeze just as the words start to come out of my mouth.  I am about the burst, whether into uncontrollable tears or a fite rage, I am not sure.  I need to come clean, for me, my sanity, my well being.  It is time to come clean about what this post was really about.  Before I get started I have something to ask of you though:

  1. As therapeutic as this is to write out, it is also very hard to have people know.  Even if you are not sure what to say, please say something.  Even if it is just leaving a comment on this blog post saying "Praying for you", "Baby Dust", “Thank you for sharing your story”, "I love you both"...anything is better than silence.
  2. I am "coming out" because this issue is not talked about enough.  It needs to be talked about, so more research can be done and couples facing this issue don't feel so alone in their journey.
  3. I am sorry to those that would expect us to tell you in person, I tried, I just could not handle it.  

Alrighty, let's do this. *Warning this is about to get tremendously personal.*

I have always, always hated this question.  “When do you plan to have kids?”  I know most do not intend it to be mean or hateful, but no matter what someone’s situation, it is painful and uncomfortable to answer. 



I completely realize that no one is perfect and I know I myself have asked close friends this questions before. Truthfully, I am not sure why I ever thought it was ok to ask, when I have always hated being asked.

Since July 2012 we have been trying to conceive (TTC).  



After 12 unsuccessful months of TTC, in July of 2013 I was referred to a Reproductive Endroconolgist (RE).

Throughout many test and way too many times being pricked and prodded, we have discovered that

  • I do in-fact have internal scars from an Ovarian cyst that grew to 7xs normal size years ago and then twisted and burst.

  • 16 years of painful periods were caused by Endometriosis.  


  • It was also discovered that my erratic monthly cycles are because I do not ovulate on my own.  

Couldn't just have one issue could I?



After two cycles of Clomid (a drug to help me ovulate) and tests to make sure it was working, with no pregnancy, my RE decided to preform a HSG test.  
"An Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an x-ray procedure performed using dye to identify any structural abnormalities in your uterus or fallopian tubes."

 


The HSG showed that my right Ovary is completely blocked. I had already taken my Clomid for the month so we were to continue on timed intercourse and call him on my 1st day of my next period for our next plan of action.




That appointment was last Friday and I am so thankful I had a fully booked weekend to distract me.


At this point in the journey we had two options. Continue with the Clomid for three months, at a double dose (to hopefully produce more than one egg) or have a Laproscopy. The Laproscopy would tell Dr.L if it was really Endo blocking my Right ovary or something else. It would also give him the chance to “fix” the blockage and discover any other issues we may not have seen during the HSG or my 6/2012 Ultrasound (which didn't show any evidence of Endo). We decided to try the Clomid for three more months and then if we are still not pregnant and I have been ovulating, we will move on to the Laproscopy.


Clomid has an array of side-effects, most commonly hot flashes & slight weight gain. I have been doing really well keeping the weight down and losing it right after each cycle. The depression didn't even click until my very first support group meeting when someone mentioned it. I had chalked it up to the process getting to me. I have always been very resilient but there is only so much one can take. I was thankful to learn the depression was a direct result of the Clomid.

Dr. L is going to move me to Letrozole. It requires a lot more oversight by the doctor but is known to have less of the emotional side effects and several woman from my support group say it had much better results for them and less side effects. One woman even said she has no side-effects on it!

So that is where we are right now. I am so very thankful to have Corey by my side every step of the way. He has been there for every breakdown, livid rage, cry, throwing of clothes out of my closet... He has continued to be the optimist and support me in everything. I cannot imagine fighting this struggle with anyone else. He truly is my rock.

Next cycle I will start the Letrozole. Until then I am enjoying my coffee, sushi and Mountain Bike riding; trying to look at the future & stay positive. I just know I cannot continue this journey without the rest of my support group.
For those of you that I have missed your Baby Showers, Children's Birthday parties or just not been the best friend or relative, I am sorry. I hope you now understand why, now.

**update: Thank you, thank you for the outpouring of love and support!  It means a lot to have so many people telling me their own stories, offering prayers and just sending love/support.  It really makes a world of difference.  Thank you!



28 comments:

  1. I love you. I left you a voicemail. Mom

    ReplyDelete
  2. Joanna, I smile when I see pics of you and Corey. You guys are a beautiful couple and look so happy together. I'm so sorry you are having infertility issues. Please know that you are being prayed for.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Sylvia. We really do truly love each other, I cannot imagine doing this with anyone but Corey by my side. He has been amazing and to know we have all of you by our side really means a lot and helps a ton!

      Delete
  3. Joanna, I am so sorry that you guys are going through this and I know it took a great deal of courage to write this publicly. It makes my heart ache because we love you both so much. Just as Sylvia said, you are such a beautiful couple and we believe that you were made for one another. You have both already been through so much, I'm sorry that this is added as well. Please know that we are praying for you guys. We have a few young friends who are experiencing infertility right now. We will continue to pray for them and for you guys as well. I'm thankful that you have such a loving relationship with each other, family and friends who love you and a support group to walk this with you. One of our friend's daughter's has been writing on her blog about the same struggles. She has very similar circumstances. Corey knows her from church. If you would like her blog name and address, I'm glad to share it. Paula may have it too. Just let me know. It may just encourage you. Will not stop praying. Big hugs to you both. Love you guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Ms. Terry. I would love to read her blog, if you want to FB it to me or email me at joanna372@gmail.com. I have been reading a ton of them, most of the couples in our support group have them, and reading them is part of what encouraged me to share. Thank you so much for your support and prayers. We will survive this, stronger than ever. Knowing we have all of your by our side means the world!

      Delete
  4. You have alot of family and friends who care and love you! And a great God who care about what we go through.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Paula, for everything! <3

      Delete
  5. Sending love to you, Joanna, wishing you strength and joy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Joanna, thank you for this. I too hate when people ask me, "When are you having kids?" when the answer might be; We might not be able to have kids. You are beyond brave for putting this out there. Praying for good results for you and Corey!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your prayers and kind words Andrea.

      Delete
  7. Sending you love and well wishes, and sending up prayers on your behalf...

    But I'd much rather tell you in person, as soon as I find your office AND you are there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Phil, email me at work and we'll find a good time to visit :-)

      Delete
  8. Best of luck to you and Cory. We've had several friends out there that have similar experiences and they've all mentioned what a help it was to find a great support group. You are in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Let me know if you need anything. I am sorry you are going through this.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow! Congrats on coming out. As crazy as that sounds.
    Thank you for reading my blog, I am glad you some how stumbled a crossed it.
    I am sorry that you are suffering with IF but know that I am here if you need anything. Many hugs and prayers from Oregon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for visiting my blog! I found you on Pinterest (I think) and you are such an inspiration!

      Delete
  11. Wonderful post! Infertility can be so hard to deal with alone, but know that there are a ton of women out there that understand every part of it! Prayers for you over the next couple of months!

    Ashley
    Man and Wife and Two Fur Babies

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Ashley for visiting my blog! The IF (blog) community has just been so amazing, to read everyone's stories and strength has just been amazing and so helpful.

      Delete
  12. Joanna - This post couldn't have come at a weirder time. Brandon and I actually just met with a fertility specialist today (we've been trying for over 3 years). It just so happens that my issue is that I don't ovulate regularly/at all, so I know how frustrated you must feel sometimes. I'm so proud of you for posting this and staying strong. If you ever want to vent, swap stories or need some emotional support, I'm here for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Megan, I wish you both stregth and baby dust! If you want to join me at the support group let me know (it is sponsored by Resolve), there is also a IF workshop early next month shop that we plan to go to (at UoR). I am here for you as well if you ever need anything! As supportive & wonderful as nonIF's are sometimes you just need to talk to someone who has/is there--you have my #, call me anytime.

      Delete
  13. I found your blog via your post on Where the Bleep is Our Stork. I haven't had the guts yet to "come out" on my personal blog, so that's why I started my other blog about infertility. My husband is the only person in my "real life" that knows about it. I commend you for being brave enough to go public. Best wishes to you in this journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amateur, you will find the right time to tell everyone, I tried 100 times to tell people in person and it just never felt right. Telling someone even online takes strength, I admire you for that. I'd love to read your IF blog, if you want to share the link. I highly recommend trying to find your local Resolve support group, that is really what helped me the most--even if you just join their online support group. I wish you lots of baby dust and strength!

      Delete